NIGHTMARE ON LAKE COMO
We’re in the midst of what the kids call “spooky season” – or, for our fellow fusty old-timers out there, “autumn”. If you’ve been cosying up with a few horror flicks this month, you’ll know nothing good can come from hanging around a lake at this time of year. And so it proved for Manchester United, who endured an early Halloween nightmare on the banks of Lake Como that may have driven a stake through the Michael Carrick era. Hailed as the interim anti-Amorim not so long ago, Carrick has overseen two wins this season, against Ipswich and Sabah Baku. Como were in Serie D when Carrick won Big Cup with United as a player in 2008 – now, 18 years on, he watched the Italian upstarts dance, twirl and shimmy through the set of training cones he had sent out to represent his storied club.
In the dugout, Carrick appeared frozen by fear. If there had been a sofa perched on the touchline, he may well have crouched behind it to avoid the series of jump-scares served up by his players. At the end, he walked over to the three United fans who had stuck around and held up his hands, looking like a cross between Ole Gunnar Solskjær and a doomed Squid Game contestant. But somehow, things were about to get worse. A week after Lisandro Martínez had taken aim at (or, in truth, just below) United’s hapless hierarchy, Bruno Fernandes decided to swing a little lower. Asked about his side’s tactics, Fernandes said it was “on the manager and staff to see”, before offering a surprisingly detailed dissection of Carrick’s pressing techniques. Now 32, perhaps Fernandes is eyeing the lucrative podcast market, where former United players are busy making hay by stating the obvious. Perhaps he’s just full of it. Carrick fired back with a maxim that works for horror-movie protagonists and lazy footballers alike: “If you don’t run, you ain’t going to win.”
In truth, Manchester United’s entire post-Ferguson era feels like a worn-out horror franchise, a repetitive cycle of diminishing returns that has churned through managerial victims, while still finding new ways of scraping the barrel. United fans might have dared to dream that City’s guilty verdict marked the end of the nightmare; instead, a new team of FFP-baiting waifs in shiny blue shirts have appeared, also led by a crafty Catalan. Carrick might not make it past United’s trip to Stamford Bridge on Halloween, but could Cesc Fàbregas replace him? Asked before the game, the Como head coach snapped back: “I don’t think that shows enough respect to a great footballer and manager like Michael Carrick, at the helm of a wonderful Manchester United side.” Tone it down a bit, Cesc, it’s giving sarcastic. Fabregas is on the bookies’ speculative longlist to replace Carrick, but it’s hard to fathom why he would take the job. At Como, he has total oversight of a talented team, a financial stake in the club and all the perks of Italian lakeside living. It’s a lot to give up just to be pushed around by Jason Wilcox.
Big Website reports that Frightfest tropes Julian Nagelsmann (hipster lost in woods) and Unai Emery (vampire) are the leading candidates. Our personal pick, purely for content reasons, would be Antonio Conte, who would surely combust with rage within a week. Ultimately, will it matter? We all know the big reveal by now: the real villains at Old Trafford are in the boardroom, hollowing out the mistreated mega-club like an overripe pumpkin. Much like reading a tea-timely email packed with too-early Halloween gags, bringing United back to relevance is a tortuous process that nobody has the strength to complete. For now, the nightmare continues.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Daniel Harris for an all-encompassing clockwatch taking in the early (5.45pm BST) and late (8pm BST) kick-offs in Bigger Vase, with updates from Lech Poznan 0-3 Sunderland, Bournemouth 1-2 Milan, Celtic 2-2 Celta and more.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We’re not against anyone and we’re not in favour of anyone” – the president of the Asian Football Confederation, Salman bin Ibrahim al-Khalifa, gives no hint about the body’s support – or opposition – to the re-election of Gianni Infantino as Fifa overlord. How very helpful.
FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS
Any chance the Independent Football Regulator could also force the sale of Manchester United while it is at it? – James Marriott.
Belated birthday greetings to Florent Sinama-Pongolle, a player once described (by Big Website if memory serves) as the only footballer whose surname sounds like an art-house trend – Alan Burgess.
If you have any, please send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day goes to … James Marriott. Terms and conditions for our competitions, when we run them, are here.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Get your ears around the latest Football Weekly Extra on United’s bin-fire season among other topics. Prefer to watch? Here you go.
TEASE AND DESIST?
As a historically conservative area since the 16th century, Banbury is not a place that has long been associated with sentences that include the phrases ‘UK Pleasure Boys’ but some evening entertainment at the clubhouse of the Southern League’s Banbury United, also known as the the Puritans, has catapulted the club into the news for all the wrong reasons. An “unacceptable” strip show has reportedly left attendees offended, with some complaining on their Social Media Disgraces that “inappropriate” acts took place between audience members and performers. “We are aware of video clips circulating online from the UK Pleasure Boys’ ‘Wet & Wild’ show held at The Spencer Clubhouse,” harrumphed a club statement. “The images suggest that part of the performance towards the end went beyond what we find acceptable at our venue. We apologise to anyone in attendance who was offended.” John Woodward, the promoter for the UK Pleasure Boys, reassured those concerned by insisting there would be an investigation and that “if there’s a specific performer that’s done something you’re not supposed to, the performer would be taken out of the show”, which is encouraging if United’s mascot is looking to pick up any extra work.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Spain’s National Sports Council has referred La Liga’s president, Javier Tebas, to the sports tribunal over his comparison of Real Madrid’s communications strategy to Nazi propaganda, with Tebas insisting he was referring only to the club’s techniques, not its ideology or supporters.
The defence lawyer for Diego Maradona’s doctor Leopoldo Luque has called him a “scapegoat” in closing arguments over the football legend’s 2020 death, as prosecutors seek a 12-year prison sentence for the neurosurgeon.
Declan Rice has come to the rescue again as Arsenal left Bayern Munich with a draw in Bigger Cup but Mikel Arteta made no attempt to conceal his concern over the quad-knack that forced Bukayo Saka out, saying it did not “look good at all”.
Harry Kane’s penalty at the Allianz Arena hasn’t distracted his family long enough to wonder if he has won the Ballon d’Or! Ballon d’Or! Ballon d’Or!
Meanwhile Unai Emery’s Aston Villa have sailed past Viking to continue their perfect Bigger Cup run.
Enzo Maresca has revealed he held heart-to-heart conversations with Phil Foden to help the midfielder back to his best. “Since we started I sat down with Phil two or three times … Maybe love is not the right word to use but, just to show him how important he is,” cooed Maresca.
And Andy Woodman’s reward for leading Bromley out of the National League and up to the third tier of English football has been a showing through the door marked Do One.
MOVING THE GOALPOSTS
In our sister newsletter, Sophie Downey gets her chat on with Tottenham and Norway’s Cathinka Tandberg, who might look to Harry Kane for inspiration on the pitch, but when north London derby comes around, she needs no lessons on what the rivalry means. Have a read here and sign up for Moving the Goalposts in your inbox twice a week here.
STILL WANT MORE?
Max Rushden’s latest column is on the pattern on United players revolting in post-match pressers.
Barney Ronay writes about the dichotomy between a sparkling Paris Saint-Germain on the pitch and the weeks of protests and a weekend of riots across France.
From experiencing racism growing up in Newcastle to becoming a derby hero and now a member of the executive team, Shola Ameobi gets his chat on with Sam Dalling.
Will Unwin defends Oliver Glasner’s miserable start at Forest as impatient owner Evangelos Marinakis plots his next move.
And get stuck into John Brewin’s Bigger Cup review of the week.
MEMORY LANE
A Thursday treat with multiple pictures – can’t say we don’t spoil you here at Football Daily. Today, Milan visit the compact Vitality Stadium to take on Bournemouth in Bigger Vase but 51 years ago, the Italian giants found themselves in rather more humble surroundings when they travelled to St Mel’s Park for a Uefa Cup second-round clash with Athlone Town. It was a landmark occasion for the League of Ireland side, making their first foray into European football and more than 10,000 spectators packed in to witness the first leg, with the legendary Giovanni Trapattoni among Milan’s coaching staff. Athlone more than held their own, earning a creditable 0-0 draw. A fortnight later, Athlone travelled to San Siro for the return leg and while they held Milan scoreless for 70 minutes, three late goals ended their brave European challenge.
